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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Saucer Crash!

What you're seeing here is a foo fighter that's just been squash-cooked by a power overload.

Remember when I told you we run saucers on green beer? That's really only part of the fuel formula. Saucer fuel is a mix of green beer (which we make green by adding a special green mineral to the beer) and methane gas that is processed by a very specific form of nanites. We get the methane from your atmosphere. This is part of the reason your planet hasn't been completely cooked by the greenhouse effect of methane gas. That almost happened in the dinosaur age.

You see, long ago, millions of Human years, we knew that we'd need a continuous source of methane fuel in nearby local space in order to keep the foos fueled. We discovered that some animal life forms emitted the stuff through their digestive tracts when fed certain foods. Humans and cattle are the prime sources of atmospheric methane in the current era, but long ago, it was herbivorous dinosaurs. This is one of the reasons we genetically engineered many bean species.

The foos siphon off the methane in the atmosphere from the constant farting of animals the eat a lot of plants, especially beans. This is known as "skimming the green cloud." Usually we can keep a pretty good balance of methane in the atmosphere so that Earth doesn't get too hot. After all, if Earth burns up, there goes our methane and squash supply.

However, in the dinosaur era, the dinosaurs got so numerous that they were creating a bigger green cloud than what the foos needed for travel, and the Earth started getting hotter because of it. To help lessen the problem, we created a much more powerful green beam generator for the foo fighters, one that is effectively as powerful as some of the highest powered lasers you Humans have managed to create. The foos then picked up extra methane and converted it to green beam energy, and they would go out at night and shoot the green beam at the polar ice caps and glaciers to dissipate the extra methane energy.

However, as the numbers of dinosaurs kept increasing, we started running out of ice to shoot at. The planet kept getting hotter and hotter as we were forced to shoot the green beam into the oceans to dissipate excess green cloud energy. The dinosaurs were on the verge of farting themselves to death, when the Reptiloids crashed a small comet into the Earth and wiped out most of the dinosaurs - and our fuel supply.

Soon after that, we discovered that certain primitive primates and cattle could replace the dinosaurs as our green cloud source, so we "bumped" their genetic code a bit so that they could digest beans and other plants, and started recovering our fuel supplies.

The problem comes in where you humans and your beef cattle have gotten so numerous and so efficient at farting green clouds out, that we're again shooting the green beam at the ice and oceans, and all the ice is melting away. This is why your climate science models are all wacked out and don't quite work right.

Occasionally, a flying saucer will have a failure in its green beam generator's energy regulator, and all the methane gets released in a huge cloud of green energy, rupturing the foo fighter and causing it to crash. The most famous example was in Roswell, New Mexico a few years back.

We're trying to figure out how to get you Humans to lighten up on the green-cloud creation, short of another comet impact. We haven't got that piece yet. We have, however, learned how to clean up dead foo fighters immediately and hypnotize all the Humans in the area to keep it quiet. The kagooz help keep people from even wanting to remember!

Zazzo out.


Foo Fighter On Evasive Maneuvers In Lunar Orbit Escapes Reptiloid Squadron

What you have here is a foo fighter at maximum speed shooting behind the Moon to evade attack by a Reptiloid vessel.

The Reptiloid ships are like black triangles, and they're even less visible than foo fighters at night in the visible light spectrum. You really need infra red viewing equipment to spot their vessels.

 This is an infrared sensor view of the same scene:

As you can see, there are two Reptiloid ships in hot pursuit of the foo fighter. Luckily the foo escaped. If they had been caught, the Reptiloids would have eaten them, starting with their kagooz. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They would've then fed their scraps to their pet lava snarks.

Lava snarks are bad news. They look a little like Earthly wolves, but they're all red, with bony spikes instead of fur. Their eyes glow red, because they project beams of red and infrared light in short pulses, and then look for the bounce back, kind of like your sonar and radar.They evolved in the deep caves of a volcanic planet, and their hides can take a tremendous amount of heat. If one is skinned, the hide can be used as a heat shield, it's an incredible insulator. The worst is lava snark breath, though. They can breathe a nasty-smelling mist onto you that ignites after a minute in open atmosphere with any oxygen content. Let's just say, they have no trouble cooking their dinner. We still don't know how the Reptiloids tame them.

If this had been just a single Reptiloid ship, the foo could've picked them off with a couple of well-placed acid missiles laced with green nanites, and a quick shot of the Green Beam. (The Green Beam hyper-activates the green nanites, and they eat the Reptiloids' ship in a matter of minutes.) But TWO Reptiloid ships can take a foo by using their heat ray to cook it like a squash, because the foo has to regenerate new probe missiles after firing its stock.

The foo fighters are fairly intelligent, and they know their squash is cooked against two Reptiloid triangles, so they boogie right on out of there at maximum speed, which is much faster than Reptiloid drive in local space. The only way the triangles are as fast as foos are in hyperdrive, because there is only one speed in hyperspace: instant.

If you see red eyes glowing in the dark, poor Earthlings, run, unless you have a cat with you. Cats are alien beings themselves. The Reptiloids and their snarks are so allergic to cats that they won't get within a mile of one. Why did you think cats have green eyes? They're guardians, and you'd best be nice to them if you don't want to meet up with snarks and Reptiloids  and get your kagooz cooked!

Zazzo out.


Monday, October 29, 2012

Where Do Foo Fighters Come From?

We grow those, too. Here's a batch of foo fighter eggs waiting to hatch. You haven't seen anything until you've seen a pair of flying saucers trying to mate!

The male foo starts shooting probe missiles at the female foo. The female does her best to catch them all. Sometimes the male foo is so excited, the probe missiles shoot all over the place. It's best to watch from far away, with a telescope.

This is also why their flight is so ziggy-zaggy, especially during mating season. The male foos are always trying to shoot probe missiles into the female foos, but unless it's mating season, the females are out to dodge the mess.

It's best to keep the female foos separate from the male foos if you want to get any serious work done!

Zazzo out.


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

You Have Happy Hour In The Evening...

...but ours is in the morning, after the foo fighters are landed on the dark side of the Moon.
What, you thought Paliens got plastered on green beer? Na. We run our space ships on that stuff.

Here, we have some craft jalapeño sauce from Central America. We don't waste much time on salsa verde, that's like 3.2 beer for you guys.

Some of the real hard stuff like jabañero, poblano, peperoncini, those are like fine liquors for you. The ghost chile molé, now that's like moonshine, my Earthling friends. One sip of the Ghost, and our heads come off and wander the lunar surface without us.

It's so cool we got the Aztecs, Incas, and Maya to grow them for us! We just traded a few pyramids and a short-term stone calendar for half their crop. What rubes!

Ayahuasca, now THAT stuff will have Humans OR Paliens talking to spirits. Literally. It opens up our alternate dimension receptor center in the brain. Turns out you inherited that from one of the really early probings. Don't tell anyone I told you that! Remember the bad probe dreams!

Man, I really need a jalapeño sauce today! Now you know where that saying, "getting sauced" comes from. From being wasted in our flying saucers, of course!

Zazzo out.


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Your Space Ship, Homosapiens!

1. It would be extremely arrogant to think that you're the only ones flying through the Cosmos...

2. ...and we Paliens are stuck hitching a ride, so deal with it!

Zazzo out.


Foo-Field Generators & Mommy-Ship Rules...

A fully-energized foo-field generator removes all gravitational, temporal, inertial, and relativistic constraints from our Foo Fighters It kind of shifts us halfway into the next dimension without harming the passengers on the foo-boogie fighter.

Mommy Ship says we can't take the Foos outside the galaxy. Not enough juice.

Ha! I snuck one all the way out to the larger Magellanic Cloud once, on a date with Drizzla, my Palien Flower, my Watermelon of Luv, my sweet Kagooz Nest, my...oops!~

Shh. Don't tell on me, or you will be having bad dreams for the next few decades. Very bad dreams. About probes and bright lights. And if you tell Drizzla I said anything, it will be the oldest Kagooz probes you can imagine in those dreams. Very big. Very rough. Very subliminal and subcutaneous. Got it?

In fact, maybe I should telepathically wipe your memory right now. See the bright shiny greenish-yellow light? See it spinning, spinning, spinning? One, two, three, four...

Zazzo out.


Monday, October 22, 2012

Mommy Ship, Where Do Little Green Aliens Come From?

MS: Working.

Home star system: Milky Way Galaxy, Pleadean Cluster.

Current system: Milky Way Galaxy, Sol orbit, Earth orbit, Lunar interior.

Biological reproductive method: Male Palien probes female Palien, who then gestates internally a seed pod for two Earth months. After two Earth months, the seed pod is exuded into a warm, humid, dimly-lit garden plot. After six Earth months, the seed pod melts away into a puddle of green goop, releasing a fully-formed miniature Palien. Further details available via reference in archive *Palien Reproduction and nurture* (Intensive graphics warning)

Zazzo out.


Da Probes.

That's right, we GROW them. In Palien, the probes are known as "kagooz." They were first grown in a remote region of Italy, which at the time was called Etruscea. Italians started eating them, and when one overheard one of us talking about them, the ancient Etruscan word "cagootz" first came into use. A later mis-pronunciation of "stuck in it" resulted in "zuchini."

These things were grown as long ago as when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth. We were looking for a way to teach the Reptiloids a lesson. That's why they get so big if you let them go.

We only eat these as a last resort. They're kind of like your beef jerky or military rations. They'll do, but they're best for torturing evil enemies.

Zazzo out.


How DO Those Little Green Men Control Their Foo Fighters, Anyway?

Thought control, of course. They have little wrist bands that can control a saucer's movements through space and time by reading their brain waves and sending a continuous stream of commands to the saucer's guidance system via quantum tunneling and inter-dimensional harmonic tuning.

Sadly, when one of your medieval ancestors found one in a saucer wreck, he noticed the regular movement of the chronological control indicator, and spent the rest of his life trying to duplicate its measurement of time. Now you have alarm clocks to wake you up, and you're all slaves to alien time, and you all spend a lot less time in the dream dimension.

I'm still pissed at that hotshot foo-fool. Humans are much crankier with less sleep!

Zazzo out!


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Little Green Men Love Autumn...

...because it lets them do doughnuts in the parking lot.

Zazzo out.


So, What Makes Little Green Men Little And Green?

Well, it starts with us being aliens, of course. But what we eat and drink here on Earth also has a lot to do with it. We have an interesting metabolism, and there are only a few things that agree with us here in the lower dimensions.

On Earth, the main food source for us higher beings is something some of your grandmothers would recognize, an heirloom vegetable called the patty pan squash.

It's the perfect balance of Earthly minerals and green energy for little green men with big mental powers. You Earthlings have mostly forgotten about these, but a few people out in the boondocks of your backwater planet still grow them, and even eat them. That's why people see more strange things at night out in the sticks, the patty pan field is out in the country,

As for drinks, we drink margaritas an we also eat limes. It's kind of like the Green Lantern that green energy field food and drink is what keeps our big minds and little bodies multi-dimensional. The best drink on Earth is palien green...

Oh, yeah, buzz my light year!

Zazzo out.