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Saturday, October 10, 2015

Zazzo - The Origin Story - Part One...

Hello, Earthlings! My name is Zazzo.

I and my crew arrived in Earth orbit about 65 million years ago. We got stuck here after a particularly nasty solar eruption wiped out all the artificial intelligence systems on our mothership. You know it as The Moon!

The dinosaurs very much regretted it, because it was the last thing they saw as the comet we were dodging smacked into the Yucatan and wiped them right the heck out!

Ever since, we have been working like crazy to raise the intelligence level of life on Earth. Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy! All the dinosaurs were gone, leaving only small birds. Most fish were gone. The smartest thing we could find left alive on Earth were these little rodent-like proto-primates. Let's see YOU try to genetically engineer the equivalent of a squirrel into intelligent life! Good luck with that, and you're welcome!

We've had some smaller computers and our foo fighters survive the Dinoclysm. The foo fighters are limited to travel within the solar system, however. (It would take us a little over four years to get to the nearest star system - Alpha Centauri - if they carried enough fuel to go that far!) We can cruise out into the cloud of dwarf planets and asteroids beyond Pluto, but that's about the limit.

We originally came from the Palien Green Federation in the nebula you see when looking at the constellation Orion. Our long-range communications are out. No talking to home for us. Sadly, we will not taste another Giant Palien Pistachio green brew for at least another few thousand solar years. (Yes, years are different lengths on each and every planet! Get with the time measurement police, Earthlings!)

Worse, an evil race of Reptiloid creatures have been flying in and messing with our genetic enhancement of humans every once in awhile. Where do you think George Bush, Dick Chaney, and the rest of the evil mean people get their genetic pollution from? The Reptiloids want humans to be stupid and mean - it makes it easier for them to feed their lava snarks your kibbles and bits. You don't want to know which bits, trust me.

The Reptiloids have nasty pets that evolved on hot worlds called Lava Snarks. They have rock-hard grey shells, are shaped like a wolf crossed with a dragon, and they have glowing red eyes. The snarks can see infra red (heat) light in fine detail. They have acidic venom that can be flammable in Earth's atmosphere. They have incredibly hard and sharp teeth and claws. The Reptiloids and their snarks like to live in deep tunnels under the surface of a planet. They sneak around in basements, sub-basements, caves, caverns, catacombs, and other deep, dark places. Their ships are mean-looking black triangles with red lights.

We Paliens like living on the far side of the Moon. It faces away from the Reptiloid-infested Earth, it has hangers for our foo fighters, and Palien Green food enough to last two billion years for the fifty of us Greens. (Except the GPP brew, drat it!) Plus it's ours, and it's what we came here in. Our foo fighters are silvery-metallic. You call them "flying saucers." You stole one from us after it got hungry and landed hard in Roswell, NM in the 1940's. You also stole the dead bodies of the two jokers that didn't feed their foo. We want the foo back. You can keep the little green stiffs.

Life in the Orion Nebula was pretty cool, as long as you didn't run into any Reptiloid squadrons. We had all kinds of green food. (Why do you think we're green and not gray, Earthlings?) We had green drinks and we lived on planets near green stars. We think humor is in some ways better than logic, but we like logic too. (Bend your fingers a little, Mr. Spock! \\//_ ) We can do things with our minds, too. It's kind of like the Force in Star Wars. (Who needs hands, Luke? Just *think* it!)

Our green leaders sent us out here towards Earth to see how it was holding up over the past billion years. Everythiing was still pretty primitive back then. We'd seeded Earth with green life - plants...well, algae, really - about 3.5 billion years ago, but we were a bit more primitive back then, too. We goofed and got some animal cells in the mix. Worse, they had been contaminated by a Reptiloid stealth DNA bomb. How do you think you got the "Law of the Jungle" instead of the "Garden of Eden," Earthlings? The Devil rides in a black triangle.

At any rate, we're stuck here on Earth Now. No green cheese on the Moon. Drat it!

I need to get some maragaritas and zucchini for Drizzla or she is going to crash me in Area 51 - !

Zazzo out!

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