Zazzo - The Origin Story - Part One...

Hello, Earthlings! My name is Zazzo.

I and my crew arrived in Earth orbit about 65 million years ago. We got stuck here after a particularly nasty solar eruption wiped out all the artificial intelligence systems on our mothership. You know it as The Moon!

The dinosaurs very much regretted it, because it was the last thing they saw as the comet we were dodging smacked into the Yucatan and wiped them right the heck out!

Ever since, we have been working like crazy to raise the intelligence level of life on Earth. Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy! All the dinosaurs were gone, leaving only small birds. Most fish were gone. The smartest thing we could find left alive on Earth were these little rodent-like proto-primates. Let's see YOU try to genetically engineer the equivalent of a squirrel into intelligent life! Good luck with that, and you're welcome!

We've had some smaller computers and our foo fighters survive the Dinoclysm. The foo fighters are limited to travel within the solar system, however. (It would take us a little over four years to get to the nearest star system - Alpha Centauri - if they carried enough fuel to go that far!) We can cruise out into the cloud of dwarf planets and asteroids beyond Pluto, but that's about the limit.

We originally came from the Palien Green Federation in the nebula you see when looking at the constellation Orion. Our long-range communications are out. No talking to home for us. Sadly, we will not taste another Giant Palien Pistachio green brew for at least another few thousand solar years. (Yes, years are different lengths on each and every planet! Get with the time measurement police, Earthlings!)

Worse, an evil race of Reptiloid creatures have been flying in and messing with our genetic enhancement of humans every once in awhile. Where do you think George Bush, Dick Chaney, and the rest of the evil mean people get their genetic pollution from? The Reptiloids want humans to be stupid and mean - it makes it easier for them to feed their lava snarks your kibbles and bits. You don't want to know which bits, trust me.

The Reptiloids have nasty pets that evolved on hot worlds called Lava Snarks. They have rock-hard grey shells, are shaped like a wolf crossed with a dragon, and they have glowing red eyes. The snarks can see infra red (heat) light in fine detail. They have acidic venom that can be flammable in Earth's atmosphere. They have incredibly hard and sharp teeth and claws. The Reptiloids and their snarks like to live in deep tunnels under the surface of a planet. They sneak around in basements, sub-basements, caves, caverns, catacombs, and other deep, dark places. Their ships are mean-looking black triangles with red lights.

We Paliens like living on the far side of the Moon. It faces away from the Reptiloid-infested Earth, it has hangers for our foo fighters, and Palien Green food enough to last two billion years for the fifty of us Greens. (Except the GPP brew, drat it!) Plus it's ours, and it's what we came here in. Our foo fighters are silvery-metallic. You call them "flying saucers." You stole one from us after it got hungry and landed hard in Roswell, NM in the 1940's. You also stole the dead bodies of the two jokers that didn't feed their foo. We want the foo back. You can keep the little green stiffs.

Life in the Orion Nebula was pretty cool, as long as you didn't run into any Reptiloid squadrons. We had all kinds of green food. (Why do you think we're green and not gray, Earthlings?) We had green drinks and we lived on planets near green stars. We think humor is in some ways better than logic, but we like logic too. (Bend your fingers a little, Mr. Spock! \\//_ ) We can do things with our minds, too. It's kind of like the Force in Star Wars. (Who needs hands, Luke? Just *think* it!)

Our green leaders sent us out here towards Earth to see how it was holding up over the past billion years. Everythiing was still pretty primitive back then. We'd seeded Earth with green life - plants...well, algae, really - about 3.5 billion years ago, but we were a bit more primitive back then, too. We goofed and got some animal cells in the mix. Worse, they had been contaminated by a Reptiloid stealth DNA bomb. How do you think you got the "Law of the Jungle" instead of the "Garden of Eden," Earthlings? The Devil rides in a black triangle.

At any rate, we're stuck here on Earth Now. No green cheese on the Moon. Drat it!

I need to get some maragaritas and zucchini for Drizzla or she is going to crash me in Area 51 - !

Zazzo out!

Stumping Trump...

You know, when I look at Earth politics, especially the Presidential elections in the USA, I think to myself "At least the evil Reptiloids ARE green instead of chasing green."

Reptiloids are dark green, and are the dark overlords of of the Dark Geenalien Empire. They're not even funny like the Bright Green Alien Federation, or full of snarkasm like my own beloved Palien Green Federation back in the Orion Nebula.

Then I look at US politicians. None of them are green, but almost all of them are chasing green...as in greenbacks, bucks, yankee salad...cash, baby. They will eat each other faster than a Reptiloid will eat your young, Earthlings.

Well, except maybe Bernie Sanders. I think he could get a Reptiloid's pet lava snark to let it pet him, and even listen while he gave it a lecture on human-exobio relations and technology partnership treaties.

Then there is Donald Trump. He is basically orange, (probably from blood pressure & lack if heart) and already has a lot of green. I swear the guy must have 50 snarkasms a day. Trump could out-snarkasm most Pale Greens I know. Well, except maybe my beautiful Drizzla!

("Snarkasm": 1. A particularly witty sarcastic barb designed to make your political opposition look as idiotic as they obviously are. 2. Getting off on number 1.)

Then there is that whole "wall to keep the illegal aliens out" thing. What is he going to do to keep us or the Reptiloids out?  Build a Stephen King dome and hire the Butterfyd Kindred to maintain it? It's not like he doesn't hire people who aren't from the US, or marry them, for that matter.

You Earthlings sure are a strange bunch. You make pale green aliens look normal!

Zazzo out!

A Little Foo Fighter Cruise Around The Planet...

Ok, it's been waaaay too long since I got up into space to see the stars without having to duck Reptiloid ships. It's like being banned from cruising in town on weekends because it's always staked out.

Drizzla and I finally got a little quality time above the atmosphere the other day. My buddy Rizzoot got a good shot of my ship, "Foo For Yo Love" in flight. She's almost as nice to look at as Drizzla, but don't tell her I said so.

Zazzo out!

Reptiloid Ship Exits Warp Over Southern Pacific...

We spotted this ship exiting a novoid warp inside Earth's atmosphere over a
remote part of the Southern Pacific ocean. This area used to have a
Reptiloid base under the Lemurian capitol city of Lemu.

This is a highly dangerous maneuver. If there were much more carbon in the
atmosphere, it could've caused a carbide-fusion reaction in the atmosphere,
leaving Earth a dried-out, nearly airless red husk of a planet. That's what
happened to Mars about three-quarters of a billion years ago.

They only do this when being chased through a temporal wormhole by an
attacking Serpentid ship. You don't want to meet a Serpentid. They make
Reptiloids look cuddly and nice.

Luckily we had a Foo squadron on maneuvers in the area, so we put a Kagootz
into the Reptiloid ship for you, Earthlings. You're welcome.

Zazzo out!!

Reptiloid Ship Exits Warp Over Southern Pacific...

We spotted this ship exiting a novoid warp inside Earth's atmosphere over a
remote part of tbe Southern Pacific ocean. This area used to have a
Reptiloid base under the Lemurian capitol city of Lemu.

This is a highly dangerous maneuver. If there were much more carbon in the
atmosphere, it could've caused a carbide-fusion reaction in the atmosphere,
leaving Earth a dried-out, nearly airless red husk of a planet. That's what
happened to Mars about three-quarters of a billion years ago.

They only do this when being chased through a temporal wormhole by an
attacking Serpentid ship. You don't want to meet a Serpentid. They make
Reptiloids look cuddly and nice.

Luckily we had a Foo squadron on maneuvers in the area, so we put a Kagootz
into the Reptiloid ship for you, Earthlings. You're welcome.

Zazzo out!!

The Bug-Shoe Detective: A Bright Night At The Office...(Coninued 7)

Tony's answer worried Vance a good bit. "Czar Nicholas" was a defunct uranium mine. There were only a couple of ranches anywhere near it. However, the mine had been quite extensive in size, with many horizontal shafts and large piles of slightly radioactive tailings all over the area. A large crater could have opened up old mine shafts and destabilized others, or sent tons of vaporized radioactive particles into the air.

"That's not good." said Vance. "Nope." said Tony. Vance knew it was not going to be a quiet night. "Tony, let's call in Joe Morgan and a few other deputies and go check this out." decided Vance. "I'll make sure Joe has Geiger counters and safety gear. You get Zen in the Jeep and grab blankets and coffee." Vance knew Tony would have coffee made, he practically lived on the stuff.

The Bug-Shoe Detective: A Bright Night At The Office...(Continued 6)

Vance walked around to Tony's back yard, calling out: "Hey, how's the World's Greatest Expert On Starshine tonight?" Tony's big german shepherd Zen got up to greet Vance, tail wagging. Vance patted Zen on the head, and then pulled a piece of beef jerky out of his pocket and tossed it in Zen's direction. It did not land on the ground. Not even close.

"I hope you realize that, if you feed him another one of those, we'll have to vacate the neighborhood." said Tony without looking up from his telescope. Zen looked at Tony, cocked his head and whuffed slightly, then put his head on his paws and turned his eyes up toward the stars.

"You see the star fall?" asked Vance. "Yup" said Tony. Vance queried: "Any idea where it came down?" "Yup. Out at Czar Nicholas." said Tony in a serious tone.

The Bug-Shoe Detective: A Bright Night At The Office... (Continued 5)

Vance stepped out of the Jeep at Tony's place. So far, the scanner had nothing unusual: a traffic stop, a couple of reports of the meteorite falling, but nothing about where it had landed.

Tony's house was a fairly large adobe home, with the curves at the corners and roof line that softened its lines to the eye. It had a three-foot tall adobe wall around the yard. 

Vance could hear music playing out back, and there was a light on inside. That meant that Tony was likely out in his back yard with his telescope and binoculars. That was a hopeful thought for Vance.

Tony was an amateur astronomer, and quite a good one. If he was out back sky-watching, Tony had likely seen the meterorite fall - and that meant he might have an idea where it had landed...

The Bug-Shoe Detective: A Bright Night At The Office (Continued 4)

Vance resisted the urge to turn on his favorite radio show - "Coast-To-Coast Radio" as he drove in the direction of the meteorite crash. Instead, he listened to the drone of a portable police radio scanner as he drove. Tonight was a night for driving with the top up on the Jeep. It was too cold to leave the top down so that the night sky could be seen overhead. That was a pleasure reserved for the warm nights of late Spring and Summer.

Vance was actually a Detective for the Luna county sheriff's department. He had a police radio with him, but had gone off duty half an hour before the star fell. He would only turn it on if something urgent came over on the scanner. "I'll drive out to Tony Nightmoon's place and see if he wants to ride out with me to look for the new crater." thought Vance. He'd been friends with Tony since they were little kids.

The Bug-Shoe Detective: A Bright Night At The Office... (Continued 3)

 

Vance did use a computer and cell phone. Those were state-of-the-art devices - of course themed in retro-detective - and he knew that they were necessary tools for a modern agency and for research. He also had a very functional pair of Western boots in the 1950's Jeep that he drove.

The Jeep was in perfect condition and had the original motor with mechanical points and a carburetor. If a nuke ever went off, Vance's Jeep would still run. He always carried tools, a blanket, water, a dozen L.E.D. flashlights, a .45, and a World War II camouflage cloth from the old Army Air Corps. If Vance needed to vanish for awhile or be hard to find, he had the means and a few places out in the desert to go to.

Vance McCray was the kind of fellow who believed in being prepared for most things that life could throw at you.

Vance locked up the office and headed Southwest out of town, in the direction he'd seen the green flash. 

The Bug-Shoe Detective: A Bright Night At The Office (Continued 2)

 

"Wow, that came down close." thought Vance. "I'd better take a ride out there and take a look." he thought, realizing that there were several ranch houses out in the direction where the meteorite had struck. "Strange how green the light - even the crash-flare - from that thing had been."

Vance loved retro.  He was the kind of guy who ha been fascinated with classic detective stories as a kid. He loved the look of the 1940's detectives portrayed on old television shows and in old movies.

Vance wore a suit and tie and black hat to work. He had an old black "Ma Bell" rotary phone on his desk in the office, ad the desk itself was a period hardwood antique. The office was classic woo paneling and frosted glass. He a coat hanger post next to the door to the back office. He kept paper files on all of his cases. Vance had gone to a specialty shop and had a classic Hermes seafoam-green typewriter modified so that it doubled as a computer keyboard. Anything he typed on it was also input to his computer.

The Bug-Shoe Detective: A Bright Night At The Office...

 

Vance McCray stepped out of the office door into the cool night air of New Mexico in March. It's cold at night in the desert. The air is cold and full of stars.

The Milky Way sprawled across the New Mexico night like a soft wash of brilliance, filled with a trillion bright stars. A satellite was a bright point of man-made light that sped across the glowing night in three  minutes as Vance watched. It was one of the things he loved the most about New Mexico. The cold, clear beauty of those night skies was a true wonder. No surprise that people thought they saw starnge things in these skies. The whole universe was visible up there.

Suddenly a bright star fell from Heaven and shot across the night, howling and burning. The falling star crashed to Earth West of town in a brilliant flash of light with a bang...

Is God A Quantum Spider? (2)

A theory of a quantum-entangled universe by Daniel A. Stafford

The Bug-Shoe Detective...

Zazzo here. A note about a friend of mine by the name of Vance McCray who has become familiar with the Bugs of Aldebaran. Unfortunate species to meet. We're putting our Foos on high alert for stealth buggies.

Zazzo out!

"Nights in New Mexico have a surreal beauty to them. You can see more stars there than in almost any other of the lower 48 States. The Milky Way is an obvious glow that sprawls across the dark night sky overhead from horizon-to-horizon. If you want to see satellites whisk across the heavens, or meteors burn through the night, go there and look up. Is it any wonder that people see strange things in skies so full of the universe? Not to me...

My name is Vance McCray, and I am a small-town New Mexico detective. This is the story of how I learned the answer to one of Mankind's burning questions; We are NOT alone."

Saucer Crash!

What you're seeing here is a foo fighter that's just been squash-cooked by a power overload.

Remember when I told you we run saucers on green beer? That's really only part of the fuel formula. Saucer fuel is a mix of green beer (which we make green by adding a special green mineral to the beer) and methane gas that is processed by a very specific form of nanites. We get the methane from your atmosphere. This is part of the reason your planet hasn't been completely cooked by the greenhouse effect of methane gas. That almost happened in the dinosaur age.

You see, long ago, millions of Human years, we knew that we'd need a continuous source of methane fuel in nearby local space in order to keep the foos fueled. We discovered that some animal life forms emitted the stuff through their digestive tracts when fed certain foods. Humans and cattle are the prime sources of atmospheric methane in the current era, but long ago, it was herbivorous dinosaurs. This is one of the reasons we genetically engineered many bean species.

The foos siphon off the methane in the atmosphere from the constant farting of animals the eat a lot of plants, especially beans. This is known as "skimming the green cloud." Usually we can keep a pretty good balance of methane in the atmosphere so that Earth doesn't get too hot. After all, if Earth burns up, there goes our methane and squash supply.

However, in the dinosaur era, the dinosaurs got so numerous that they were creating a bigger green cloud than what the foos needed for travel, and the Earth started getting hotter because of it. To help lessen the problem, we created a much more powerful green beam generator for the foo fighters, one that is effectively as powerful as some of the highest powered lasers you Humans have managed to create. The foos then picked up extra methane and converted it to green beam energy, and they would go out at night and shoot the green beam at the polar ice caps and glaciers to dissipate the extra methane energy.

However, as the numbers of dinosaurs kept increasing, we started running out of ice to shoot at. The planet kept getting hotter and hotter as we were forced to shoot the green beam into the oceans to dissipate excess green cloud energy. The dinosaurs were on the verge of farting themselves to death, when the Reptiloids crashed a small comet into the Earth and wiped out most of the dinosaurs - and our fuel supply.

Soon after that, we discovered that certain primitive primates and cattle could replace the dinosaurs as our green cloud source, so we "bumped" their genetic code a bit so that they could digest beans and other plants, and started recovering our fuel supplies.

The problem comes in where you humans and your beef cattle have gotten so numerous and so efficient at farting green clouds out, that we're again shooting the green beam at the ice and oceans, and all the ice is melting away. This is why your climate science models are all wacked out and don't quite work right.

Occasionally, a flying saucer will have a failure in its green beam generator's energy regulator, and all the methane gets released in a huge cloud of green energy, rupturing the foo fighter and causing it to crash. The most famous example was in Roswell, New Mexico a few years back.

We're trying to figure out how to get you Humans to lighten up on the green-cloud creation, short of another comet impact. We haven't got that piece yet. We have, however, learned how to clean up dead foo fighters immediately and hypnotize all the Humans in the area to keep it quiet. The kagooz help keep people from even wanting to remember!

Zazzo out.

Saucer_Crash.mp3

Foo Fighter On Evasive Maneuvers In Lunar Orbit Escapes Reptiloid Squadron

What you have here is a foo fighter at maximum speed shooting behind the Moon to evade attack by a Reptiloid vessel.

The Reptiloid ships are like black triangles, and they're even less visible than foo fighters at night in the visible light spectrum. You really need infra red viewing equipment to spot their vessels.

 This is an infrared sensor view of the same scene:

As you can see, there are two Reptiloid ships in hot pursuit of the foo fighter. Luckily the foo escaped. If they had been caught, the Reptiloids would have eaten them, starting with their kagooz. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They would've then fed their scraps to their pet lava snarks.

Lava snarks are bad news. They look a little like Earthly wolves, but they're all red, with bony spikes instead of fur. Their eyes glow red, because they project beams of red and infrared light in short pulses, and then look for the bounce back, kind of like your sonar and radar.They evolved in the deep caves of a volcanic planet, and their hides can take a tremendous amount of heat. If one is skinned, the hide can be used as a heat shield, it's an incredible insulator. The worst is lava snark breath, though. They can breathe a nasty-smelling mist onto you that ignites after a minute in open atmosphere with any oxygen content. Let's just say, they have no trouble cooking their dinner. We still don't know how the Reptiloids tame them.

If this had been just a single Reptiloid ship, the foo could've picked them off with a couple of well-placed acid missiles laced with green nanites, and a quick shot of the Green Beam. (The Green Beam hyper-activates the green nanites, and they eat the Reptiloids' ship in a matter of minutes.) But TWO Reptiloid ships can take a foo by using their heat ray to cook it like a squash, because the foo has to regenerate new probe missiles after firing its stock.

The foo fighters are fairly intelligent, and they know their squash is cooked against two Reptiloid triangles, so they boogie right on out of there at maximum speed, which is much faster than Reptiloid drive in local space. The only way the triangles are as fast as foos are in hyperdrive, because there is only one speed in hyperspace: instant.

If you see red eyes glowing in the dark, poor Earthlings, run, unless you have a cat with you. Cats are alien beings themselves. The Reptiloids and their snarks are so allergic to cats that they won't get within a mile of one. Why did you think cats have green eyes? They're guardians, and you'd best be nice to them if you don't want to meet up with snarks and Reptiloids  and get your kagooz cooked!

Zazzo out.

Foo_Fighter_On_Evasive_Maneuvers_In_Lunar_Orbit_Escapes_Reptiloid_Squadron.mp3

Your Space Ship, Homosapiens!

1. It would be extremely arrogant to think that you're the only ones flying through the Cosmos...

2. ...and we Paliens are stuck hitching a ride, so deal with it!

Zazzo out.

Your_Space_Ship_Homo_Sapiens.mp3